When They Say You Aren't Enough...

thoughts on misplaced grief

Selahm Beman

Dec 01, 2023

It is common, these days, to hear that we need to do more.

Work says we need to produce more.

Movements say we need to show up more.

Our health says we need to rest more.

Our depression says we need to move more.

Our hope says we need to believe more.

Somehow, no matter how much we do, we need to do more.

What would it feel like to have finally done enough? Where would we feel enoughness in our bodies?

As I deepen my practice of Aliveness, I am finding it harder and harder to say to myself or anyone else, “You are not doing enough.”

It seems, more and more, that each of us is doing the perfect amount.

So why does it seem like we are not?

The grief we refuse to feel traps us in the experience of scarcity.

Let’s say we wish more people showed up to the rally. We feel hurt that more people were not with us in the streets. We tell ourselves a story that we live in a terrifying world where people can not care, not see, not understand, and not show up. Inside this worldview, we feel hurt and alone. We tell ourselves that we could end oppression today if everyone would just show up. We are angry and hurt.

We could cry. Express the hurt. Scream. Express the rage. Or, we could tell other people that they should behave differently. If people behaved differently, we think, we would not have to feel this way or experience what we experience. It’s so simple. Just be different, so I don't have to hurt.

This is our practice of oppression;

our attempt to dominate, control, and suppress the Aliveness of life, motivated by a fear of Aliveness.

We control our grief and suppress the antsy agitation of feeling too alone in a dangerous world. We (try to) dominate others by convincing and coercing them into changing their behavior. We beat them with facts. If we can shame them or educate them, we can force them to behave how we would like. We are afraid of their power to choose not to align with us. What if they never change…?

If we have given our life to the pursuit of community organizing, we not be upset about rallying support and action. Maybe we love winning the game of mobilizing people.

But if we are upset, if it seems like the other humans are doing it “wrong,” or we feel wounded by their “wrongness,” I have good news.

You are not wrong. Neither are they. You are all doing great.

We are the rolling wave of life, carrying along debris from hundreds of thousands of years of human activity. It will not be possible for everyone to do as you please. The wave of life has a direction for each of us to flow and debris we must each attend to. We cannot all surf the same wave.

In the physical universe, it takes a variety of tactics to accomplish our goals. In the physical universe, we can’t all be at the same place at the same time. It is a colonized mindset to believe uniformity and homogeneity are next to godliness. Our beautiful planet Earth has created many who pollinate and many who do not. Many who climb and many who swim. Many who move fast and many who stay put. No one is doing it wrong.

What if you just enjoyed the company of those on the wave with you, rather than lamenting the absence of all those attending to other debris?